Tag: appearance

reaching out

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My neighbour accepted a delivery for me when I was out.  When I went to collect it, I was shocked at her appearance- she had lost a lot of weight and looked very gaunt. Not sure of anything, I mumbled thanks and left.  But it bothered me that I hadn’t asked.  She was a bubbly young French lady, with two small children and her appearance and behaviour were totally out of character.

Then a week later, while shopping, I met another neighbour and asked her if she knew anything.  This lady told me that the French lady had cancer which had spread.  It all made sense to me now- why I always saw her mother ferrying the children to school, not her; and her appearance.  I felt deeply ashamed that I hadn’t said anything to her, offered to help even.   But even then, I did not do anything.  But my lack of action kept gnawing at the back of my mind.

Couple of days ago, I put a book for her and one for her children and a card through her letter box.  The book I sent was a book that I read when I was ill with a stroke.  That very evening, I received an email from her-

Thank you very much for your kind words and your prayers, it means a lot to me.

Ella was delighted with the book and I will read the other one with great care.

As you know, when sickness takes over your life, you see it differently and dream of normal things and I can’t wait to put this ordeal behind me. I am so lucky to have a supportive family who take good care of me and the children.

My treatment is going well but I spend most of the time in bed as I go through chimio every 2 weeks for 3 days… 14 done, 9 to go ! My kids keep me strong.

Thank you again for your kindness and I trust all is well.

I was touched that she had taken the time to thank me despite everything- a sign of a great person.  I write this post not to proclaim how great I am but perhaps to say that how stupid I had been.  As my other neighbour said me, ‘You don’t need to know the technicalities of someone’s illness but reaching out is enough- it shows you care.’  Secondly, I learnt that you need to reach out as soon as you can.  Life can go by too soon and you miss opportunities to show kindness and experience it.  You miss chances to be part of the human family.

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looking cool

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Looking cool is often associated with the young and famous.  But yesterday I read a heart warming account from a 59 year old woman, Helen Walmsley-Johnson, who realised that looking cool was about self assurance and confidence.  She says that couple of years ago she was holidaying alone in France and had been given an awkward seating in the middle of the restaurant.  It seemed to present her as a lone woman to all those to came inside.  However, she accepted this and relaxed, reading a book.  Suddenly another English speaking woman came to speak to her, “Excuse me but my daughter thinks that you are really cool and we wondered if you’d like to drink with us?”  These three then spent the rest of the evening, laughing and talking.  When asked why the teenager had thought she was cool, the reply was that it was because ‘although she was on her own, she didn’t look sad or lost, but happy.’

How many times have I thought that looking cool was about dressing in a certain way or having cool things like a cappuccino or an iPhone to hold!  No, it is entirely about self belief, it doesn’t matter what you are wearing or carrying!  In fact, on the catwalk, models learn to walk with self confidence and poise, no matter what ridiculous outfit they are modelling or sometimes are even half naked.  Just imagine if instead of sashaying on to the catwalk, they came out looking embarrassed- no one would buy those clothes.  Self confidence, being happy and creative makes you cool!

Nine thoughts to one word

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Yesterday a man delivered a package to me. Without thinking much, on an impulse, I asked him, ‘How tall are you?’ He smiled and replied,’I am 6’6″.’  Later on, I thought what a silly question I asked.  He could have asked me, ‘How short are you?’  Does his height really matter?  He was polite and did his work (delivered the parcel)- that is all I need to know. I also thought about all the silly questions we can ask or say, ‘What a big baby!’ (would you say that to an adult?), ‘Have you been trying to lose weight?  You look good!’ (to which I got an apt rejoinder, ‘Why did you ask that? Are you saying I am anorexic?’).

In asking such questions or remarks, we may be thinking we are paying a compliment when we are only promoting stereotypes- that tall and thin adults are something to aspire to and big chubby babies are the norm (my older son wasn’t like that).  Really, a person’s appearance has nothing to do with me, or with anyone else either- it is their own business. If it is something they were born with or have acquired naturally (my delivery man is tall, I am short), even that is nothing to do with anyone except themselves.  Lesson learnt, think before you speak, I said to myself.

As Nichiren said in the 13th C, “Confucius thought nine times before saying one word. Tan, the Duke of Chou, would bind up his hair three times in the course of washing it and spit out his food three times in the course of a meal [in order not to keep callers waiting]. These were worthy men of ancient times, a model for the people of today.”